To Infinity and Beyond (Meat)
Note to reader: This article has nothing to do with Toy Story or the concept of infinity.
It seems as if everyone is interested in reinventing the wheel to accommodate 21st century trends. We have milk that isn’t milk; Oreos that aren’t Oreos; sugar that isn’t sugar. (Other non-food examples are left as an exercise for the reader). But has anyone stopped to ask why we are pursuing these alternative products?
As a lifelong vegetarian, I appreciate a solid Black Bean Patty or a juicy Portobello Mushroom in my burgers. I have no idea what Beef tastes like. When Arby’s says “We Have The Meats” I get excited (read: fearful) for my carnivorous friends. But in 2018, I ventured to eat a Beyond Burger™️, a burger made of meat that isn’t meat.
The experience was horrific. Why was my burger bleeding? (I later found out — much to my solace — it was beet juice, not blood). As a dining hall option, it also tasted like…rubber. Unsalted, unseasoned, poorly cooked, and bleeding. Though undoubtedly a novel experience (this was the closest I had gotten to eating meat), I was determined to never again engage with Beyond. To make matters worse, see the below group chat (I’m certain it wasn’t me, but I know what produces the red spots — We Have The Beets™️).
But in the Summer of ’19, the canteen at my workplace served Beyond Burgers. So I said, let’s saddle up boys, speaking directly to my colon bacteria. I tried again, and it was certainly better, but still not great. Both my palate and gut-residing friends remained unimpressed by the Pea Protein* (Yes, that is the first ingredient other than water. No, the asterisk is not mine). My coworkers chatted about how although a Beyond patty might have similar nutritional content as a real burger — primarily concerned, of course, with grams of protein — the synthetic makeup of the patty meant it would not absorb as well into the body. I’ll leave further discussion up to the nutritionists who stumble across this piece, though certainly the argument has some (pseudo)scientific merit.
The discussion of Summer ’19 leads me to my next point: The Stock Market. Beyond Meat IPO’d on May 2nd 2019 at $25 a share under the ticker BYND. By July 26th, it had grown over 800% to $234. At this time, the discussion of Beyond’s synthetic protein content morphed into a monetarily motivated movement (or, as others may say, a Money Move™️).
A coworker decided that this inflated price for meat that isn’t meat was unjustified. He bought put options betting that BYND would crash. He was so singularly focused on its downfall that even as the stock price plummeted, he held out on his put options instead of cashing in. Ultimately, he lost all his money, even though BYND had sunk to $150 by the end of the summer. (It hit $80 before the end of the year and now, two years later, is back at $150, never having hit its peak again). Of course, his hatred of BYND lost him some hundreds of dollars but transferred to me a stark, passionate dislike of the bleeding (quasi)meat.
So I call on you, r/WallStreetBets to dispose of this horrible I Can’t Believe It’s Not Meat product. Thus far meme stocks have only gone up. Let us flip the narrative. Let us end the tyranny of fake posers.
In other news, the coworker that bet on the downfall of BYND also tried to run a Big Mac™️ Mile that summer in under 10 minutes (on a rather expensive bet; it was a financially ruinous summer for him). Yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. Yes, the opposition to synthetic meats only went so far. Yes, he was close to succeeding. Though close only counts in horse grenades.
